aches & pains

Heartache, sweet, sweet heartache. The kind that inspires novels, memoirs, world exploration, and searches for truth. The kind that reminds you that yes, you do indeed have a heart (contrary to what you may have believed), and no, you’re not giving it what it wants.

It’s bittersweet really. It hurts, oh does it HURT. But it wakes you up. I’ve been feeling extremely numb in my suburban summer daily life, simply going through the motions, feeling like I have no power and absolutely no control of whatever it is to happen that day. I wake up, make my coffee, and let the day bring me what it will. I have no expectations, no reactions, nothing. It’s not a way to live.

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This was honestly the highlight of my week, like how sad.

It came in the night, quite literally. At about 4 am, when it’s past the dead of night but not quite dawn (a hauntingly quiet hour) I sat up with a gasp clutching my chest, trying to prevent my heart from falling out of a hole that I swore was there. My heart ached, really, really ached. 

I ached to be somewhere else, with someone else, anywhere but where I am. I drank a glass of water and went back to sleep.

We were taught over and over how to address problems. If something breaks, fix it. If someone’s tired, let them rest. If something hurts, give it attention. So why then is it so hard to do and so difficult to recognize when it comes to ourselves??? Why can’t I give myself what I know I need?

I don’t know why it’s so difficult, but I do know it’s not a way to live, and I also know when I actually respect myself enough to address my own problems, I almost never regret it.

Whether it be an apology or a confrontation, a short & sweet text to your love, or a much needed and long overdue phone call that has you walking back and forth and twisting your hair around your finger and laying upside down on all of the couches in the house and moving from one room to the next smiling and laughing and wondering why you hadn’t called earlier (just as an example). I very rarely come back feeling worse than I had before.

Heartache isn’t a pain, it’s a reminder. It reminds that you are alive, your feelings are valid, you have wants and needs and you’re neglecting them. We have to face some hard truths about ourselves and others when we reflect on why we’re feeling such a way, it’s difficult, and maybe that’s why it hurts so much.

 

 

 

 

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